Being a person that loves psychology, observing people's reactions has been a secrete enjoyment for me. That sounds so sick...sorry. But the reactions that I've seen throughout this process have been so different - heart warming, cold and upsetting, annoying, silly, shy, heart breaking, comforting - that I can't help observing and mentally noting (and now physically writing out) how interesting it is.
There are people like me, my mom and Mrs. G. who are obviously upset, but hold it together until we are in private and then cry to ourselves. There are people like one of my friends who called me sobbing asking if I was ok. I actually ended up consoling her because she was in such hysterics. There are people who you barely know that come out of nowhere and offer you all the love and support you could ever need. Which is so kind and wonderful, but truthfully can be overwhelming and slightly uncomfortable. This one person was so nice and genuine, but I don't even think I'm Facebook friends with them, I don't have their email or phone number, so how am I going to call them and ask for "Whatever I need". I know that's really rude to say, but the true insistence and persistence on calling this person for ANYTHING I needed was overwhelming, intense and made me slightly uncomfortable and then in turn, made me feel completely guilty because I know this person was being truly genuine. But at the same time, I almost started crying because here is a person whom I don't know that well and whom genuinely wanted to help. It was completely heart warming.
There are people who ask me, "How could this happen? You've gone through so much, how could this happen to you?" To which I respond - it doesn't matter how much you go through in life...life doesn't care. Life happens and you deal with it and learn from it. And truthfully, I believe everything happens for a reason and that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Donny and I have gone through some difficult times and through it all, we've only come out stronger. And what better way could I really get to know my new In-Laws so quickly? Throw us together in a completely heated, emotional, tense setting and we'll all get to know each other quite well in a short amount of time. And then we become closer, stronger, better at communicating and a little more gray haired. I do have gray hairs now...but at least I have hair.
Mr. G's reaction was the 'what if' reaction. The weekend we were waiting for the official results to come in, Mr. G. called me while I was at Starbucks with my family. I came back to the table in tears because I am the type of person who falls apart, literally cannot function because I'll have a full blown anxiety attack (which has happened to me before), if I let myself think of the 'what ifs'. If it's not Lymphoma, then maybe it's some chronic disease like the doctor said. But if it's that, then Donny will be sick like this for his whole life. What if it's something worse like lung cancer? His survival rate is so much worse if it's lung cancer. And I stopped him right there. We CANNOT think of the 'what ifs' because that will drive us crazy. So we stopped thinking about it the best we could, and we got through it.
Then you have the people who don't know what to say, or whether it's ok to ask about it. For example, one of my co-workers found out from another co-worker. And the next time I saw her, rather than her saying something to me, or asking me about it, I got the silent look that says "I feel so sorry for you." Do you know that look? It's a sideways glance, usually with your head cocked slightly to the right and your eyebrows slightly raised. The eyes are big, like little puppy dog eyes after your puppy was scolded - full of sorrow and a tinge of pain. My co-worker didn't say anything to me. Not hi, not how are you, not how's Donny...not anything. Because some people just don't know what to say. Or, they don't know me well enough to know that I won't be upset if they ask about it. Because some people get really upset when people ask about their personal lives. But not me. I'd rather talk about the elephant in the room than get the "I feel sorry for you" looks.
Another very close friend of mine shocked and upset me at first. Until I truly thought about her and her personality and realized that her reaction fit perfectly with who she was. She internalizes everything and stays outwardly positive. I got a kind, "Oh Brit, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" And then "Ok, well I'm sure everything will be fine and you and Donny will get through this." A couple more reassuring lines and that was it. Short and slightly concerned, but more like a pep talk than sympathy.
I had seen most of Donny's friends' reactions when his other friend was diagnosed with Lymphoma. And let me tell you, they are all about jokes. But you know inside they are upset. One of his best friends did not answer his mom's phone calls for two weeks because he couldn't talk to her about it. But the cancer jokes run rampant among his group of friends. Between Donny and his other friend, we've heard them all. And I love it because that's how I function, which is slightly twisted, but humor always helps me cope.
Humor helps me cope except for when other people don't get my jokes. Travel back to before Donny was diagnosed. I was in the waiting room with Donny, Mr. G. and Mrs. G. waiting to see the first Doctor at the original hospital we were at, the mood was a little morbid and tense, so being the person I am, I wanted to lighten the mood. So I asked Donny, who was sitting on the other side of his mom, "Do you think you will need a Bi-Bopsy?" Donny just lowered his head shaking it back and forth, his dad had no clue what I said because he was preoccupied in his thoughts and anxiety, and his mom looked at my so kindly and sympathetically, as if she was thinking "You poor thing, you are so upset you can't even think of the right words." and said, "Do you mean biopsy?" Donny saw my face, I was trying to hold it together, because I didn't want to cry, so he responded to his mom, "It's a movie quote Mom. Brittany made a bad joke." If you don't know me very well, I'm a HUGE comedy buff. I love funny movies, but even more, I love quoting funny movies. And Bi-Bopsy is from a great movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
So that night after we spoke to the doctor and officially knew that Donny would need a biopsy, I called my sister to talk to her about everything. When I was telling my sister about Donny's situation, I was a little emotional. I started explaining the process and she stopped me mid-sentence and in the most serious and concerned voice asked me, "Wait, Donny has to get a Bi-Bopsy?" And we fell apart laughing. So here I am crying and laughing my butt off and I don't know if I'm crying because I'm laughing or if I'm laughing over my crying. Watch the clip here:
After I caught my breath, I realized that I was crying, quite hard actually, but then laughing as well. I was crying because I was so relieved that my sister understands me so well. Sometimes I think only my siblings truly know me. When Molly said Bi-Bopsy to me, I was so relieved that I wasn't losing my mind and that other people in fact think like me and make jokes in seriously tense situations.
Throughout this whole process, regardless of what your reaction was, Donny and I have been completely overwhelmed by the love and support we've received from our friends and family. Sometimes I get choked up looking at the amount of Get Well cards in our kitchen. Donny is strong and healthy from all the meals that people have brought us. I am encouraged by the words we receive from people in passing. We are lifted up from the "Blue-Box", full of cards, gag gifts to make us laugh, thoughtful gifts to help us push through, and practical gifts to keep us comfortable during treatment, that our friends put together for us. We are reminded by the lime green (the color for Hodgkin's Lymphoma) wrist bands Donny's friends bought and that all of our family and friends wear in support of Donny. And I get completely emotional over Donny's boss, students and football team who not only went out and bought lime green socks and shirts to wear during their football games, but who all shaved their heads for him as well.
Along with Donny's Top Ten Positives About Having Cancer, which we may post at a later time, I have to say that the love and support we've received is the definite up side to this whole experience. It really made me look at our life and reflect on how lucky we are to have so many amazing friends and such a supportive, loving family. No matter what your reaction to our news was, Donny and I want to thank you for being in our lives. Thank you for your love and support. And thank you for being on this journey with us.
